The Things We Think & Do Not Say
July 18, 2011 Leave a comment
No, I am not about to have a Jerry Maguire moment. But the title of Jerry’s infamous “memo” has always stuck with me and it seems to fit here.
This is simply a call for constructive honesty. And it absolutely applies in your personal as well as professional life… Why do we sometimes avoid saying what we’re really thinking? Because many people don’t care for conflict… And… many times we believe that “saying what we’re thinking” will lead to conflict… So… we consciously or subconsciously avoid conflict by not speaking our mind
So then, why do we sometimes avoid conflict? Perhaps we lack the skills to successfully navigate conflict (maybe we don’t know how to voice disagreement in a constructive manner… or maybe we’ve never seen positive conflict resolution role-modeled!). Maybe we think we’ll “get in trouble” for speaking our minds… with a boss, with a spouse?? Or, perhaps we have just given up the fight … we’re too “worn out” to stand up for what we believe?
If we don’t constructively state what we’re thinking, we sub-optimize the decision at hand because we withhold a critical input that might change the result/decision. Also, these unexpressed opinions we have bottled up tend to create cynicism that can lead to toxicity (oh by the way your Doctor will tell you the same is true in your personal life – tons of medical research backs this up). And usually, we end up saying it later anyway… in the wrong place at the wrong time… as negative “water cooler talk” or as an unproductive explosions that add no value at all.
Are you ready to try a different way? Have confidence that your voice is valued: the people who depend on you absolutely want to know what’s on your mind. Make a choice to speak up even if it leads to disagreement… that’s actually healthy. And practice doing it “the right way…” for example:
- Don’t just shoot down what you think is a “bad idea”… suggest a better idea instead. (If you are consistently negative with no positive suggestions, you will wear people out!);
- Don’t “go in hot”… when possible allow yourself a bit of time to decompress before trying to work through a really difficult topic with someone;
- Ask yourself if you are presenting your ideas in a way that will improve your relationship with the other person!
- Deliberately pick a time, place, & setting that make sense to have a thoughtful discussion.
By the end of the movie, Jerry Maguire has stumbled onto something bigger than he could have imagined… and it all started because he spoke his mind. Being honest with himself and with others led him down an unexpected path but ultimately to a richer life: he found love, a family, a successful business he actually liked working in, and the admiration of an industry. Hmm, maybe there’s something here for each of us…
Bottom line: as leaders we have to learn how to speak the truth as we see it, in a manner that leaves our relationship with the other person even stronger than it was before.